I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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