so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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