The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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