I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
