God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
