i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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