The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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