We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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