I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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