My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
