As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
