Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
