I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
