Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
