the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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