Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
