Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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