Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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