TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
