I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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