There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
