that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
