You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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