i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
