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Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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