Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
