there's paper in my vomit.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
