I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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