I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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