Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
