walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
