Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
