Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
