I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
