Say something about gay babies.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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