there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
