I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
