so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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