The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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