he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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