I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
