I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
