You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
