The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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