Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
