She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
