Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
