My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
