I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
