I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so let's talk penis.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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