You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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