guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
