Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I want her autograph on my taint
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
