I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
